What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:17
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
All the time i was locked up.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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What did i know ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I write beautiful poetry .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Repellat quod recusandae rerum adipisci deleniti.
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Im still living with it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He knew the spot.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
He resisted the act ,that day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I will be 64.
I was scared of men, in general
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I said to her
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was in good health!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She married twice! .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was 9 years of age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
This is soul school!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She wouldn,t have been !
Put me off passion for life!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Who then, do I blame.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why did i forgive my father ?
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Comes on , in middle age.